interminable: adj. having or seeming to have no end; especially : wearisomely protracted (merriam-webster.com)

Several of my kids have a rhythm in their bones. It seems to boil and bubble within them and come out through their hands, usually on the piano in wonderful and beautiful music. Then there are the times when it seems to come out as nervous energy tap, tap, tapping on the table with their fingers or a pencil. This usually occurs during the middle of our school day when I am trying to concentrate on some new and often complicated math concept. At this point you may sometimes hear me yell out something to the affect of, “Stop that interminable noise!” You see once they start tapping, it seems to never end. There is no way to make it stop, except with this extreme intervention. In a much bigger way, this prolonged trial of Jon’s sickness in our life seems interminable. It seems to have no end and it is especially wearisomely protracted. I wish that I could simply yell out, “Stop that interminable trial!” Then, everything would stop and we could just go back to normal and all of it would end. 

The truth is, we will never go back to ‘normal’. This cancer has indelibly changed all of our lives. Everywhere I go, I am asked the same questions: How is Jon? How are you doing? What’s the latest from the doctor? I know that is likely why most of you are reading this post! Jon is stable now. This means that although he still has what is left of the original tumor and the spots in his brain of abnormal activity, we have seen no new growth in the glioblastoma since last February. This is miraculous! Just 17 months ago, the doctor told Jon that he would likely not live for more than 15 – 18 months. Officially, glioblastoma is incurable. Yet, he continues to amaze the doctor with his perseverance. His last MRI and doctor visit was in December. Praise the Lord! There was no new growth in the cancer since the last MRI. He has now been through radiation and seven rounds of chemotherapy. When the doctor saw the results of his December MRI he told Jon that he can hold off on any further chemotherapy unless the tumor grows. This is such a welcomed reprieve for him. Chemotherapy really wears him down and also disorients his mind. Although he has made tremendous progress in his healing and the growth of the cancer has not increased, Jon is not the same person he was 18 months ago. He is now disabled. He still has brain cancer. He spends most of his days resting or doing small tasks around the house. He tires easily. Mental tasks are more difficult for him. His mobility is more limited than it was before his vehicle crash, but he has recovered significantly. We have indeed seen some progress toward healing in his mental and physical capacity, but he still has a long way to go. Please, continue to pray for him. His red and white blood counts are still low from his last round of chemotherapy. His next tests and doctor visits will be at the end of March. Pray that the areas of cancer in his brain do not grow anymore, and the next MRI will show no new changes or even healing. Pray for the Lord’s hand on our family as we navigate these uncharted waters. Pray for wisdom as we consider different treatments, both traditional and alternative, to treat Jon’s symptoms. Pray for me to be a godly wife and mother. Pray for me as I make decisions about how to balance the different activities in our lives during this difficult time. We’ve tried hard to give the kids as much of ‘normal’ as possible during this tumultuous time. We continue to do school each day and have remained steadfast in their most important “out of the house” activities as well. We still participate heavily in all the church activities possible. We are deeply involved in our local speech and debate club and have continued to compete in NCFCA tournaments whenever possible. Earlier this year, the younger kids were able to play Upward Basketball and Jon was able to help coach. This was such a blessing for Jon and the children. Pray for us as we seek wisdom in balancing all of these competing activities. We want the children to still have their own childhood experiences, but we also want to balance that with our limited family time. Pray for us as we make decisions about colleges for the older children over the next two years. We are so very grateful for this ‘bonus’ time we have with Jon. I am trying so hard to make it count. It is a precious gift from the Lord. I can see the blessings the Lord has given through this trial already. Jon gets to spend copious amounts of time with the younger kids. They have soaked up the time with their daddy. Jon gets to be a bigger part of our daily activities. This would never of been possible before his illness. In fact, all of us have been able to spend much, much more time with Jon. I am grateful for this as I am able to hear his wisdom about the way we spend our time and in the training of the children. These moments, days, weeks, months together have been dear to us.

As I look to our future, it’s hard to see clearly. All of the stability that I felt in our family a short 18 months ago is simply gone. When I consider this new daily routine of life and the struggles, pressures, and obstacles that this season brings, I realize that I must choose how to operate in this vicissitude. I can whine, complain and look at this as a tribulation, or I can see it as a crucible that the Lord is using to build my faith in Him. I have come to realize that my response to this hardship as we walk day to day is the REAL test of faith. So, how should we respond? I can grumble and wish this ‘interminable’ trouble to end, but would that really be the right response? NO! In truth, to grumble against this trial is to complain about God’s sovereign plan. Our God is wise and kind. He has given this trial for our good and His glory. Therefore, I must press on, no matter the outcome. This is what obedience looks like. I must continue in faith to trust the Lord for each step in this journey. I don’t know the future. It is difficult to find a buttress in these rough waters! However, I have as an example the apostle, Paul. In Philippians, he says the following:

For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear [to be] in me. Philippians 1:29 – 30

We often have a negative view of suffering and trials. However, I think the Bible offers an opposing view. We can see this in the above verse. Paul says, “to you it has been GRANTED for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to SUFFER for His sake.” I think that the word granted is the key here. Granted gives the connotation that something good is given to you. I’m knee deep in the college and scholarship application process with my oldest daughter. Sometimes organizations will give students grants for college. These grants are basically free money given to the student. So, to think of something that is granted to us, we generally think of something good and desirable. If we look at the greek root word behind the phrase ‘has been granted’ we find that it means grace. So, this tells us that it is a grace to be able to suffer for Christ’s sake. I think this really flips our idea of sufferings and trials completely on its head. How we traverse this trial reflects our love for Christ and how well we represent Him. The next few verses of Philippians chapter 2 tell us how to live in light of this grace.

Therefore, if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion,
make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
do not [merely] look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, [and] being made in the likeness of men.
Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Philippians 2:1 – 2:8

In these verses, Paul gives us a sort of formula for how we should endure suffering. He is basically saying that since we have been given this chance to believe in Christ and suffer for Him, we should do it with encouragement, love, joy, affection, compassion, fellowship of the Spirit and humility. We should think of others before ourselves and put aside selfishness. He talks about how Christ emptied himself even to the point of death on a cross. This makes me really stop and think twice before I complain about my situation or even try to feel sorry for myself. It makes me examine my motives and thoughts. Recently, I have struggled with how to relate to Jon because he is so different since his craniotomy. Thinking deeply on these verses really changes my perspective, though. The Lord has recently shown me that I have been looking at this whole thing through the wrong lens. I have been thinking about this as something that has happened to our family, and I’ve been so concerned about treating Jon’s illness and how it all affects me and our children. I have rarely stopped to walk in Jon’s shoes. Christ gave up Himself and served us even to the point of giving His life for us. How much more should I give up my cares and desires for my own husband. So, I’ve been trying to just understand Jon where he is now. I’ve been working to learn the ‘new’ Jon. The funny thing is, the more I try to learn the ‘new’ Jon, the more he seems to be like the ‘old’ Jon. It just takes a little more time and concentration to find him. We will soon celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I am finding that trusting the Lord to bless and strengthen our marriage is just as important now as it was at the beginning 20 years ago. I would never have dreamed that we would be in these circumstances. Oh, these times are so tempestuous! There are so many unsure things. There are health issues, family struggles, financial struggles, day to day logistics to navigate, and so very many more things. Through it all, I know the Lord will sustain us! I know He has us just where He has ordained. It often hurts. It is often confusing. It is often hard to find the path. Though it can often be frustrating, we are learning to accept this new course for our lives. We are learning that there is hope here. We are learning that there is still joy here, even amid the pain. I am learning to treasure Jon more and more even in these limited days. It has been hard to be vulnerable to hope that he would defy the odds given by the doctor. My hope is fragile, and I have to rely on the Lord to renew it daily. This I know without a doubt, I will not regret this hope. I will not regret continuing to love and trust Jon and our great God who gave him to me. Over the past few years, as we have approached our 20th anniversary, I’ve often contemplated how we would celebrate. Should we take a big vacation together without the kids? Should we go to a fancy restaurant? Perhaps we should take an educational family trip? All of these seemed like such wonderful capstones to the previous 20 years, but really, I have totally different dreams now. I think it would be marvelous just to sit on the couch next to my love and have quiet conversation. Happy Anniversary to us!

I love the old hymn, ‘Like a River Glorious’, by Frances Havergal. It reminds me that when we look to Christ and trust in God’s plan, He gives us peace. We can trust him. Isn’t that what this Christian walk is all about anyway, trusting Christ? I seem to need this lesson over and over and over again. I am so glad the Lord is patient with me.

Like a River Glorious by Frances Havergal

Like a river glorious is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth deeper all the way.

• Refrain:
  Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
  Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully, all for us to do;
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

God has a purpose for us while we have breath. We must walk in obedience. This obedience is found in the daily laying down our lives for Christ. One demonstration of this is laying down our lives for our family. It is counterintuitive. It means putting aside our preferences and doing the mundane tasks that wear on us. It means being patient to listen, even when Jon doesn’t make sense in his words or thoughts. It means teaching and training children, even when they do not listen. It truly means relying on the Holy Spirit to guide our every step and sustain our hearts no matter the storm. We are GRANTED to suffer like Christ. Our sufferings are abundant, but so are our comforts in Christ. The opposite of interminable is terminal. So, I will gladly accept this interminable trial for as long as it continues we have not experienced the terminal.